Saturday, January 2, 2010


I can't believe the year is over. I'm glad the year is over, but still can't believe it. I wrote the title for this blog a couple of months ago, and I thought that I would put my status updates from the year together. Then, things happened, and I didn't ever get around to it, and other people started to do the same thing. I didn't want to jump on the bandwagon at first, but then I remembered that I have no shame, so jumping on bandwagons doesn't really effect me. So, I went back, did my copy and paste thing, and then I ran into my next problem. I, over the past year, had compiled over twelve pages of status updates. TWELVE PAGES. That's gross. Since I figured that no one would be able to go through a dissertation of "Christine Hammond does this" "Christine Hammond thinks that" (let's face it, twelve pages is a big commitment) even if they wanted to, I broke them up into categories. So, here they are. The best of '09.

Christine Thinks

I remember when my mom first got a Facebook, she said that she read my status updates every day, and that she noticed that all I do is pontificate briefly and send it out into the world. I thought about it for a second, and I realized she was completely right. Truth be told, I'm not that interesting. If I had to write about the things I was actually doing, I wouldn't ever write a status update (and let's be honest, I love doing it. Judge if you must, but one just doesn't pull twelve pages of ANYTHING out of thin air without a lot of time and thought). So, here they are. My daily pontifications.

1/25 Christine Hammond Simply cannot respect a man who WriTeS lIke ThIs

2/17 Christine Hammond thinks it is inappropriate when people have litters of children.

3/23 Christine Hammond doesn't like reading books with british characters, because it makes her thoughts take on accents.

3/24 Christine Hammond still wants to know if a person never washes their hair, would the oils eventually repel water? you know, like a bird?

3/25 Christine Hammond thinks the phrase "tickle your fancy" is obscene.

4/7 Christine Hammond everybody's got a story... unfortunately, most of these stories are unbelievably, mind-numbingly boring.

4/19 Christine Hammond thinks it's a little awkward for all concerned when people have uber personal status updates.

4/20 Christine Hammond thinks that if you're a grown man a fifty ticket shakey's wallet is unacceptable.

4/24 Christine Hammond hates when someone randomly approaches her and tells her to smile. what is that?

5/12 Christine Hammond thinks if you need picture descriptions to tell you not to put your tie/clothing/hand into the paper shredder, maybe you deserve to have said item shredded.

5/14 Christine Hammond is a fan of saying, "you're welcome" when people neglect to say, "thank you"

5/26 Christine Hammond loves how the swine flu went from being a multicontinental pandemic to vanishing into thin air.

5/28 Christine Hammond is fairly confident she has some pretty strong familial mob ties.

6/1 Christine Hammond thinks that after nearly $100 billion in bailout money, the now bankrupt gm owes me a free car. you can have one too.

6/8 Christine Hammond is not a fan of the exclamation point. definitely her least favorite punctuation mark.

6/15 Christine Hammond without me, it would just be aweso.

6/17 Christine Hammond is literally blown away by how bad the music is on mtv.

6/28 Christine Hammond wishes she could warp.

7/3 Christine Hammond feels bad that the only game the padres can sell out is when the dodgers come to town.

7/19 Christine Hammond thinks pedophiles should be more wary of undercover cops in chat rooms. she also thinks it's time to get out of her pajamas and stop watching svu.

7/22 Christine Hammond thinks that people who look questionably pregnant, but who aren't, in fact, pregnant should stay home until they get that handled.

7/23 Christine Hammond should not be allowed to be around people.

7/25 Christine Hammond wishes she was cool enough to sit alone in her bathroom and take pictures of herself looking angry and flipping off the camera. then people would know she meant business.

7/30 Christine Hammond wants to adopt this child she saw. and by adopt, she means steal. and by child, she means ice cream.

8/11 Christine Hammond wishes humanity would try just a tiny bit harder to not suck.

8/16 Christine Hammond every single electronic device i have thinks it's october. i'm beginning to feel like rip van winkle. only not nearly as exciting.

8/18 Christine Hammond is willing to concede that MAYBE shaking and hitting things when they appear broken shouldn't be her number one fix-it.

8/27 Christine Hammond bookkeeper. weird word. too many double letters.

8/28 Christine Hammond thinks there's nothing quite so awesome as when someone accidentally posts a personal message to someone else as a status update.

8/31 Christine Hammond is one hundred percent positive there are gremlins that live in her room and eat her sunglasses.

9/2 Christine Hammond dear california, please don't burn down while i'm gone. respectfully, me.

9/10 Christine Hammond for anyone that's interested, the pennysaver is offering a queen sized water bed with an automatic warmer and mirror headboard.

9/11 Christine Hammond can't believe it's been 8 years. thoughts and prayers going out to anyone having a rough time of it today.

9/15 Christine Hammond would gladly pay someone to come over and play with her hair until she falls asleep.

9/18 Christine Hammond whoever said the customer is always right was grossly misinformed.

9/27 Christine Hammond killing thousands of ants at one time makes me feel uncomfortably powerful.

9/28 Christine Hammond home>work

10/9 Christine Hammond if you're walking around a store and you realize you're the only one there because the store closed 15 minutes ago, common decency says you should go.

10/14 Christine Hammond is probably most worried about that .01% mutant super germ lysol doesn't kill.

10/22 Christine Hammond just saw a guy with a trader joe's tatoo. he's paying the ultimate price for quality food at a low cost: his own dignity.

10/25 Christine Hammond loves ebay. she gets to shop, win, and get something in the mail all in the same transaction. doesn't get much better than that.

10/27 Christine Hammond shops avon and looks forward to street fairs... is this what middle age feels like?

11/3 Christine Hammond dear southern california, i'm cvs and walgreened out. let's stop building them.

11/4 Christine Hammond thinks there's no possible way to say, "yeah, right" without sounding sarcastic.

11/9 Christine Hammond fact: lurky guy gets exponentially lurkier when he's looking to purchase high powered binoculars.

11/18 Christine Hammond if i ask how you're doing and i don't sound genuinely concerned, i'm not. so let's do us both a favor by you just responding with, "fine".

11/28 Christine Hammond logically knows it's impossible, but sincerely believes that she doesn't own 2 of the same socks.

12/2 Christine Hammond dear 7am, we're breaking up. i want my stuff back.

12/4 Christine Hammond thinks she could take herself in a dress and leggings a little more seriously if she wasn't so keenly aware of what it meant to "jazzersize"

12/7 Christine Hammond people do not react well when there's a change in the elements.

12/7 Christine Hammond thinks there's a whole lot of lonely i have to reach before i opt for livelinks.

12/9 Christine Hammond dear santa, i promise to be real good if you would just bring me above the knee black suede boots. thanks in advance, christine elizabeth hammond

12/11 Christine Hammond the problem isn't that i'm always late, the problem is i honestly believe i'm fifteen minutes away from anything.

12/14 Christine Hammond has decided to stop working and marry rich.

12/25 Christine Hammond really REALLY likes her family.

12/26 Christine Hammond just finished putting the first round of new things in her new place. how exciting.

12/29 Christine Hammond think of how much better life would be if all sleep was as satisfying as the five minutes after your alarm goes off

12/30 Christine Hammond would like to monetarily dictate how much she pays for convenience charges. personally, for $25, she thinks she should get something a lot more convenient than paying bills. food delivery, perhaps

12/31 Christine Hammond the only unfortunate thing about tonight is that the happiness scale only goes up to 10.

Other People's Words.

...And thoughts about famous people. I know I've said it before, but I REALLY think I'd be a good VH1 countdown host. I have got to be one of about five people in the United States who actually cares about such ridiculous things. So, here are some quotes that made it into my Facebook over 2009 (lucky devils), and things about the people who said them that I thought it necessary to comment about.

1/21 Christine Hammond hates to betray previous loyalties, but REALLY hates mario lopez.

1/23 Christine Hammond is FAR too connected to her television shows.

2/6 Christine Hammond Thinks if Michael Phelps wants to smoke weed and swim fast, it's his prerogative.

2/20 Christine Hammond "it takes some work to make it work, it takes some good to make it hurt, it takes some bad for satisfaction"

5/1 Christine Hammond looking on, she sings the songs. the words she knows, the tune she hums.

5/6 Christine Hammond made you a present... it's sexual and violent.

5/7 Christine Hammond really, manny?

5/19 Christine Hammond really wants to be at the center of a reality dating show so she can make people eat eyeballs in the name of love.

5/20 Christine Hammond *effing hates ronald belisario.

6/4 Christine Hammond thinks if cole hamels or jason werth were to, i don't know, get hit by a meteor, she wouldn't be too disappointed.

6/11 Christine Hammond maybe there's a god above, but all i ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who out drew ya.

6/25 Christine Hammond michael jackson and farrah fawcett... today is a bad day for pop culture.

6/30 Christine Hammond is slightly offended that facebook is trying to capitalize on michael jackson's death... on the other hand, the glass ornament with a picture of him in the center is stunning.

7/1 Christine Hammond i say i want you, and you don't believe me. you say you want me, but i've got my doubts.

7/4 Christine Hammond loves gilbert blythe.

7/11 Christine Hammond some people want to fill the world with silly love songs. well what's wrong with that? i'd like to know.

7/27 Christine Hammond thinks if she hears "i'm yours" by jason mraz 1 more time, she'll shoot herself in the face. she's also not sure how she feels about her statuses always being in the 3rd person.

7/29 Christine Hammond just remembered that john stamos was part of the beach boys. haha.

7/29 Christine Hammond the eric clapton unplugged album is so good it offends me.

8/10 Christine Hammond "if it's a broken part replace it, if it's a broken bone then brace it, if it's a broken heart then face it"... brilliant.

8/11 Christine Hammond apparently there's a reality show about pawnshops and the owner's son is named big hoss. michael now has a new nickname.

8/17 Christine Hammond thinks u2 is overrated. in a big way.

8/20 Christine Hammond thinks naming your child milton bradley past the conception of monopoly is an all-around stupid idea.

8/25 Christine Hammond jury's in: 1234 by the plain white tees is, in fact, the worst song of all time.

8/27 Christine Hammond "The problem with people who have no vices is that you can be sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues"

9/23 Christine Hammond In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion, you're dead.

10/6 Christine Hammond thinks jay leno is the late night television equivalent to brett favre. just. go. away.

10/21 Christine Hammond dear manny, i'll buy you the steroids if you can get this back to l.a... thanks in advance.

10/21 Christine Hammond Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains.

10/23 Christine Hammond isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?

10/27 Christine Hammond doesn't care much about basketball, but shaq and labron on the cavs bear a striking resemblance to the monstars from space jam. i hope they accidentally step on a human being.

10/28 Christine Hammond "you know, they say you're either a beatles person or a creed person" "yea, i don't think anyone says that"

12/1 Christine Hammond every day of my life is like pawn stars. except replace the really cool stuff with junk people find in their garages and decorative plates.

12/19 Christine Hammond mr. t is the spokesman for world of warcraft. man, i wish i was a fly on the wall during that think tank.

12/19 Christine Hammond thinks she loves music so much because it's the only thing that can stay exactly the same but still evoke something different every time you hear it.

12/27 Christine Hammond is watching obsessed. rule number one: don't mess with beyonce.

12/28 Christine Hammond today, what i'm most thankful for is 8 hours of anything but christmas music.

Friday, January 1, 2010

My Favorite Past-time.

For any of you that couldn't guess what this was by the title, these are all about food. In fact, I was putting most of these into the things that actually happened column, but then there were too many. I'm fat.

1/22 Christine Hammond is giving into two of her many vices: cookies and vh1 countdowns.

2/4 Christine Hammond Would like someone to tell her discolored, weird honey that it's the only food that doesn't go bad.

3/10 Christine Hammond thinks the best part of dieting is how great the food tastes when you cheat.

3/30 Christine Hammond is a fan of cup of noodles. a big one.

4/1 Christine Hammond thinks you too should put crumbled up chips into your sandwiches. delicious.

4/14 Christine Hammond just got in a fight with her ice machine. she has no ice and is bleeding. safe to say, she lost.

6/10 Christine Hammond has got to learn the thin but unwavering line between full and food coma.

6/18 Christine Hammond wonders what kind of national secrets are hidden in a yogurt that necessitate vacuum sealing. all i want is to eat a yogurt without being covered in it. i don't need my breakfast to be a full contact sport.

7/16 Christine Hammond just had dinner at the mandalay bay buffet, and has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that all you can eat and all you should eat are two completely different animals... kill me.

8/5 Christine Hammond thinks buffalo sauce is an underrated condiment.

9/2 Christine Hammond just had brazillian bbq for the first time. so. much. meat.

9/17 Christine Hammond is eating spaghetti out of a blue dixie cup because she has no clean dishes. now, that's class.

9/25 Christine Hammond there's nothing a pizookie and a beer can't cure.

9/30 Christine Hammond chili cheese fries burrito? winning combination if i've ever heard one.

10/12 Christine Hammond just discovered dominos pasta in a breadbowl, and has decided that all food is better when you can eat its container.

10/20 Christine Hammond was just given one packet of ketchup. ONE packet. gone are the days of buckets of unrequested condiments.

10/26 Christine Hammond tis the season for pumpkin flavored everything :)

10/28 Christine Hammond wonders if the answer to, "would you like to upgrade to curly fries?" has ever been no.

11/5 Christine Hammond needs to get rid of the extra halloween candy before she eats it all. problem being, the only way to get rid of it is to eat it all. oh, the rocks and hard places we live between.

11/5 Christine Hammond is taking herself and a heartbreaking work of staggering genius to chang thai bistro for lunch. livin' large.

11/12 Christine Hammond thinks only fascists don't eat carbs.

11/24 Christine Hammond 's day doesn't start until she has a diet coke. some may call this an addiction. i prefer to think of it as loyalty.

11/26 Christine Hammond if the quality of thanksgiving is measured by eating until you feel like you're going to die, i consider tonight a runaway success.

12/3 Christine Hammond there's something about wearing pearls and lace that makes you feel elegant and feminine... that is, of course, until you spill lunch all over yourself.

Things That Actually Happened

Remember when you had to incorporate the word "is" into all of your status updates? I do. These are things that I was actually doing over the course of the year. Not all of them begin with "is", but it was the best I could do.

1/13 Christine Hammond Is feeling slightly pathetic that she worked up a sweat playing wii tennis

1/26 Christine Hammond 's laptop keeps dispelling tiny bits of plastic from its orifices. she's a little concerned.

1/29 Christine Hammond just saw a miller high life commercial. classy.

2/15 Christine Hammond is watching the first, last, and only movie that has ever benefited from putting keanu reeves in a starring roll.

2/28 Christine Hammond 's dad got a new phone with a techno ring tone. every time it rings, he dances

3/8 Christine Hammond broke her ipod. when she turns it on, a cartoon of a sad, arguably dead ipod comes on the screen. a little melodramatic for her taste.

3/16 Christine Hammond finds it HILARIOUS that at one point in her life she thought it necessary to buy an ultra shock absorbing sports bra... oh, wishful thinking.

4/10 Christine Hammond has it bad for patrick dempsey; both now and circa 1987.

4/30 Christine Hammond always feels a little proud when her texts are exactly 160 characters.

5/7 Christine Hammond is going to the ducks game tonight proving once and for all that bandwagons don't make a sound when jumped on.

5/20 Christine Hammond has a flock of maniac nocturnal parrots living outside her bedroom window.

5/26 Christine Hammond is friends with kathy hammond on facebook. this is a good day.

6/4 Christine Hammond is still sad george carlin is dead

6/9 Christine Hammond when businesses give me tiny return envelopes to send my payment, i fold the checks as many times as humanly possible and shove them into the corner of the envelope. somehow being passive aggressive never gets old

7/6 Christine Hammond is seeing up tonight with her grandma, mom, and aunt. she would try and be cuter, but then the puppies would get jealous.

7/9 Christine Hammond be careful that you type in "" and not ""... definitely not the social networking site i was looking for.

7/16 Christine Hammond procured 14 letter openers, countless pens, and 1 giant notepad in the last 2 days; she will soon be opening an ebay store specializing in novelty office supplies.

7/20 Christine Hammond just woke up to her cat pouncing on her head, swatting at her hair, and biting her eyes. super disorienting.

8/14 Christine Hammond feels bad for gypsy children.

8/19 Christine Hammond just got waved to by vin scully.

8/20 Christine Hammond is crawling into newly washed sheets. pretty much the best feeling in the world.

8/20 Christine Hammond is getting her toes done. sooo ticklish.

8/22 Christine Hammond congratulations, jen! happy wedding day!

8/27 Christine Hammond is a fan of waking up to "have a great day" texts. anything that puts a smile on my face at 7:30 a.m. is okay by me

8/29 Christine Hammond just bought a dress for three dollars. THREE dollars. marshalls is made of dreams and rainbows.

8/31 Christine Hammond airports stress me out.

9/12 Christine Hammond locked her keys in her car and is waiting on a curb for aaa to come rescue her.

9/14 Christine Hammond is going to use her lunch money to buy scratchers, figuring she'll either be richer or thinner. win-win.

9/17 Christine Hammond had a cop put his gun in her purse last night because it was "getting in his way". weird night.

9/19 Christine Hammond is pretty sure she's heard the phrase, "i've never seen this happen before" more than any other person. ever.

9/20 Christine Hammond had a mosquito fly into her car while she was driving and bite her neck.

9/21 Christine Hammond is having a terrible horrible no good very bad day.

9/22 Christine Hammond is going to the hospital and then the police department. who knew sitting on a bench could be so hazardous?

10/2 Christine Hammond woke up singing 80's pop ballads. if that's not a sign for a good day, i don't know what is.

10/3 Christine Hammond is staring at an obese woman wearing s shirt that says "people are sweet and i've got the munchies." she terrifies me.

10/15 Christine Hammond just got told she's got two years max before her looks go south, and she should be married. the woman who told her this is going to go home and pray that god sends me a husband. then she winked and said, "He will provide"

10/15 Christine Hammond 's last status was so poorly structured that it's not even worth revising. apologies to the english language.

10/16 Christine Hammond just watched the backstreet boys sing the national anthem. it's a great day for dodger baseball.

10/18 Christine Hammond has every entrance to her house blocked by bears. you hear that?! bears.

10/19 Christine Hammond every time i have a username assigned to me, i get c hammond, but without a space. so it's "chammond". which sounds like some sort of processed meat.

10/26 Christine Hammond sometimes looks up other christine hammonds on facebook just to see what they're up to.

11/7 Christine Hammond isn't sure she has enough gas to get to the gas station. procrastination at its finest.

11/10 Christine Hammond wore boots and a scarf to work today hoping she would guilt november into being cold. apparently november is not to be guilted. november is spiteful.

11/10 Christine Hammond has decided to go shopping tonight instead of eating for the rest of the week. being an adult is all about compromise.

11/15 Christine Hammond started the day with every intention of being productive, but at some point managed to end up on her couch watching movies surrounded by cheese.

11/17 Christine Hammond is embarrassingly good at too many things it's embarrassing to be good at.

12/9 Christine Hammond and her dad just had a tag-team screaming match with a woman. police were called. hammonds mean business.

12/20 Christine Hammond is covered head-to-toe in blankets and is about to watch white christmas from beginning to end for the first time this year. the season can finally start.

12/22 Christine Hammond 's new year's resolution is to not wait until the last minute to do everything. unfortunately, we're still in '09. going to the mall. kill me now.

12/24 Christine Hammond is tragically pathetic at wrapping gifts.

12/28 Christine Hammond 's predictive text tries to write "yeti" instead of "yet"... not as interchangeable as one might suspect.

12/30 Christine Hammond wore high heels to work today... great in theory, not so much in execution.