I remember when my mom first got a Facebook, she said that she read my status updates every day, and that she noticed that all I do is pontificate briefly and send it out into the world. I thought about it for a second, and I realized she was completely right. Truth be told, I'm not that interesting. If I had to write about the things I was actually doing, I wouldn't ever write a status update (and let's be honest, I love doing it. Judge if you must, but one just doesn't pull twelve pages of ANYTHING out of thin air without a lot of time and thought). So, here they are. My daily pontifications.
1/25 Christine Hammond Simply cannot respect a man who WriTeS lIke ThIs
2/17 Christine Hammond thinks it is inappropriate when people have litters of children.
3/23 Christine Hammond doesn't like reading books with british characters, because it makes her thoughts take on accents.
3/24 Christine Hammond still wants to know if a person never washes their hair, would the oils eventually repel water? you know, like a bird?
3/25 Christine Hammond thinks the phrase "tickle your fancy" is obscene.
4/7 Christine Hammond everybody's got a story... unfortunately, most of these stories are unbelievably, mind-numbingly boring.
4/19 Christine Hammond thinks it's a little awkward for all concerned when people have uber personal status updates.
4/20 Christine Hammond thinks that if you're a grown man a fifty ticket shakey's wallet is unacceptable.
4/24 Christine Hammond hates when someone randomly approaches her and tells her to smile. what is that?
5/12 Christine Hammond thinks if you need picture descriptions to tell you not to put your tie/clothing/hand into the paper shredder, maybe you deserve to have said item shredded.
5/14 Christine Hammond is a fan of saying, "you're welcome" when people neglect to say, "thank you"
5/26 Christine Hammond loves how the swine flu went from being a multicontinental pandemic to vanishing into thin air.
5/28 Christine Hammond is fairly confident she has some pretty strong familial mob ties.
6/1 Christine Hammond thinks that after nearly $100 billion in bailout money, the now bankrupt gm owes me a free car. you can have one too.
6/8 Christine Hammond is not a fan of the exclamation point. definitely her least favorite punctuation mark.
6/15 Christine Hammond without me, it would just be aweso.
6/17 Christine Hammond is literally blown away by how bad the music is on mtv.
6/28 Christine Hammond wishes she could warp.
7/3 Christine Hammond feels bad that the only game the padres can sell out is when the dodgers come to town.
7/19 Christine Hammond thinks pedophiles should be more wary of undercover cops in chat rooms. she also thinks it's time to get out of her pajamas and stop watching svu.
7/22 Christine Hammond thinks that people who look questionably pregnant, but who aren't, in fact, pregnant should stay home until they get that handled.
7/23 Christine Hammond should not be allowed to be around people.
7/25 Christine Hammond wishes she was cool enough to sit alone in her bathroom and take pictures of herself looking angry and flipping off the camera. then people would know she meant business.
7/30 Christine Hammond wants to adopt this child she saw. and by adopt, she means steal. and by child, she means ice cream.
8/11 Christine Hammond wishes humanity would try just a tiny bit harder to not suck.
8/16 Christine Hammond every single electronic device i have thinks it's october. i'm beginning to feel like rip van winkle. only not nearly as exciting.
8/18 Christine Hammond is willing to concede that MAYBE shaking and hitting things when they appear broken shouldn't be her number one fix-it.
8/27 Christine Hammond bookkeeper. weird word. too many double letters.
8/28 Christine Hammond thinks there's nothing quite so awesome as when someone accidentally posts a personal message to someone else as a status update.
8/31 Christine Hammond is one hundred percent positive there are gremlins that live in her room and eat her sunglasses.
9/2 Christine Hammond dear california, please don't burn down while i'm gone. respectfully, me.
9/10 Christine Hammond for anyone that's interested, the pennysaver is offering a queen sized water bed with an automatic warmer and mirror headboard.
9/11 Christine Hammond can't believe it's been 8 years. thoughts and prayers going out to anyone having a rough time of it today.
9/15 Christine Hammond would gladly pay someone to come over and play with her hair until she falls asleep.
9/18 Christine Hammond whoever said the customer is always right was grossly misinformed.
9/27 Christine Hammond killing thousands of ants at one time makes me feel uncomfortably powerful.
9/28 Christine Hammond home>work
10/9 Christine Hammond if you're walking around a store and you realize you're the only one there because the store closed 15 minutes ago, common decency says you should go.
10/14 Christine Hammond is probably most worried about that .01% mutant super germ lysol doesn't kill.
10/22 Christine Hammond just saw a guy with a trader joe's tatoo. he's paying the ultimate price for quality food at a low cost: his own dignity.
10/25 Christine Hammond loves ebay. she gets to shop, win, and get something in the mail all in the same transaction. doesn't get much better than that.
10/27 Christine Hammond shops avon and looks forward to street fairs... is this what middle age feels like?
11/3 Christine Hammond dear southern california, i'm cvs and walgreened out. let's stop building them.
11/4 Christine Hammond thinks there's no possible way to say, "yeah, right" without sounding sarcastic.
11/9 Christine Hammond fact: lurky guy gets exponentially lurkier when he's looking to purchase high powered binoculars.
11/18 Christine Hammond if i ask how you're doing and i don't sound genuinely concerned, i'm not. so let's do us both a favor by you just responding with, "fine".
11/28 Christine Hammond logically knows it's impossible, but sincerely believes that she doesn't own 2 of the same socks.
12/2 Christine Hammond dear 7am, we're breaking up. i want my stuff back.
12/4 Christine Hammond thinks she could take herself in a dress and leggings a little more seriously if she wasn't so keenly aware of what it meant to "jazzersize"
12/7 Christine Hammond people do not react well when there's a change in the elements.
12/7 Christine Hammond thinks there's a whole lot of lonely i have to reach before i opt for livelinks.
12/9 Christine Hammond dear santa, i promise to be real good if you would just bring me above the knee black suede boots. thanks in advance, christine elizabeth hammond
12/11 Christine Hammond the problem isn't that i'm always late, the problem is i honestly believe i'm fifteen minutes away from anything.
12/14 Christine Hammond has decided to stop working and marry rich.
12/25 Christine Hammond really REALLY likes her family.
12/26 Christine Hammond just finished putting the first round of new things in her new place. how exciting.
12/29 Christine Hammond think of how much better life would be if all sleep was as satisfying as the five minutes after your alarm goes off
12/30 Christine Hammond would like to monetarily dictate how much she pays for convenience charges. personally, for $25, she thinks she should get something a lot more convenient than paying bills. food delivery, perhaps
12/31 Christine Hammond the only unfortunate thing about tonight is that the happiness scale only goes up to 10.